So what I vote. I could get mad at a person because he didn’t vote or voted for a third party or voted for Trump.

But it would be hypocritical of me to blame others.

I made a career out of something irrelevant. I might as well have been a janitor. There’s no shame in it, no shame in supporting your family, no shame in helping to keep the economy going, but that’s the extent of what I do; I keep a machine running. It’s a machine that feeds people, sure, it’s important, but it doesn’t change the world.

Would I have been good at it, speaking my mind, perhaps, adding my voice to those who fight the good fight? Maybe I would have changed only a single mind; maybe that mind would have reached a million. Maybe I could have become a representative myself. But I didn’t try, so I don’t know.

I don’t believe half of the things people say they hate Hillary Clinton for. The Republicans who hate her are hypocrites if they didn’t also hate W. Bush. I supported Sanders, and I wasn’t particularly fond of the way in which it seemed that she conspired with the DNC against him. I didn’t like that she voted to give Bush the authority to go to war in Iraq, or how she didn’t support gay marriage when it wasn’t politically expedient to do so. She changed her positions, that’s not bad, that could be good, if it’s because she listens to reason, but it sometimes seemed like it was based on public opinion and it casts doubt upon whether I can believe what she says she believes in now. She’s a friend to big money. She is a military hawk whose support of the Arab Spring was a failure. I always felt she was too conservative, which is why I don’t fully understand why they don’t like her. Among my friends there was an epidemic of wishful thinking that she would be more progressive as President than she has ever been. Their blindness to who she, however, pales in comparison to the blindness of Trump supporters to who he really is, except for those who support him because they actually believe in who he really is, which is an even bigger problem.

I hope now that there is reaction. Maybe more people will get involved. Maybe the democratic party put someone up who really is progressive, another woman, even, someone who has integrity, and who has consistently spoken her mind regardless of popular opinion.

I’ve thought that before. How far do we have to fall before we hit rock bottom? I hope this is it.

I really do think I am at fault. I have become a fraction of the musician I decided a long time ago not to be because I felt a calling to service that I never acted on. I could have been a good musician, but instead I’m half assed. And that sacrifice was supposed to be for something. And while I gave up music and acting, things I liked, supposedly for this yearning to do something I considered less selfish and more important, I ended up as an accountant, which is even less important, though maybe not selfish. On the other hand, it has exposed me to conservatives, and brought me to the south, where there are perspectives to understand and opinions I ought to be pressed to change. Maybe everything happens for a reason. But when am I going to do something? I don’t even know how to respond to people who I know are full of shit, because I am not armed with the facts, because I don’t keep myself informed.

And right now, I don’t feel like talking. I only want to listen and try to understand it. I don’t know why but I feel like that would be a comfort. Maybe it is because understanding is the prerequisite to a plan. Maybe that feels like I’m doing something. And when it’s time, when I’m ready, I can still say what I want. We haven’t lost that right, yet and I don’t plan to give it up (they can pry it from my cold dead mouth).

For now, I don’t want to judge anyone. I can’t control them, they live by their consciences. I live by mine.

If my way is superior, if I am smarter than they are, then I should not judge them because their best is not as good as my best or because I failed to convince them of something or didn’t even try. And if my way is not superior and I am not as smart as I think, then I shouldn’t push a view that would be inferior. Either way I should take a step back and listen, as hard as it may be to do, and first understand other people’s points of view. Talking, at least right now, at least for me, probably wouldn’t end well anyway. I might take to calling half the country retarded, but what would be the point? It’s not their fault. We are all to blame. We are all to blame. We are all to blame.

If you don’t believe that we are all to blame I must ask you, do you really think you have done everything you could have done your entire life to make sure that the world is a better place? Some can absolve themselves because they have devoted themselves to a cause. But the vast majority cannot.

Thomas Jefferson: Eternal Vigilance is the Price of Liberty.

George Washington: Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected.

 

 

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