I have multiple personalities. I think it is true for most people and not particularly unique especially among writers, though not everyone will acknowledge it. I was at a book festival once and someone was handing out leaflets for a writer’s group. I took one, and after a few minutes he tried to hand me another, saw that I had one, and stopped himself. “I’ll take another,” I joked. “For the others.” He laughed and told me who knew exactly what I was talking about.
It has it’s downsides. Sometimes it’s hard for me to get going because I’m worried that I’ll interrupt myself. Like I’m scared I won’t get to finish my thought. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed because I can’t ever finish anything. But you know what? We need to have our hopes up. Without hope we can have no confidence and, confidence is all you need to succeed, according to Mark Twain.
The exact quote is, “all you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and success is sure.”
The point I’m trying to make, is that you try.
I like to let all of my personalities out. I admit that I think it makes me interesting to others. When I simply let myself out, just go with the flow, just write whatever comes to mind, the writing already has conflict.
You may think this is just a trick that I use, to stoke my imagination. Maybe it is, but I really believe that I have to take this seriously. If I consider them a figment of my imagination, then that marginalizes them. Even if they were, even if you believed this was all a fantasy, and you were right, I still need to believe it for it to work. I need it to be true, if I am to tap into the entire team and fulfill our potentials.
And no one usurps the throne. We’re either all free or we’re all in prison.
When I was, I don’t know, 13, I wanted to be an actor so bad. I think it’s because I wanted to acknowledge the “assembly” of minds inside here. Maybe the way we let them out is to think of it like there is no distinction between what we are and what we pretend to be.
I’m not like Sybil, where all of her personalities are fucked up. We’re a team. We’re friends, or at least co-workers.
Now, it would be disingenuous not to admit that if one has multiple personalities, then it would be unlikely that they are all the same gender. And it suggests that gender is not so black and white (neither is black and white I guess). But regardless, don’t call me, like some who are non-binary like to be called, “they.” No offense intended, but it’s just a pronoun. I think that even if I wanted to be a female, I’d be fine being called a he. Is it because that’s what I am on the outside? Yeah. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. But even she has to acknowledge that physically we are in man form. So call us that. It’s simpler that way. It doesn’t mean she isn’t a she. It doesn’t mean she can’t think of herself as a she. Other people don’t define you.
Go ahead and get mad at me and tell me I don’t understand anything, if you want. I understand myself. And I’m not telling anyone else what to do, or feel, or trying to suggest that anyone else is exactly like me and should define anything the way I do, That said, I think that if people with gender ambiguity would just acknowledge all of the characters in their play, so to speak, that they wouldn’t be as hung up on pronouns. It’s highly symbolic, in my opinion, because they think it would be easier to think of themselves as multifaceted if they were referred to differently. But what they are called doesn’t change who they are. I am a he. It’s not untrue to say that. I also may be a she, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a he.
I don’t think anyone would be allowed to come back the same all of the time. How would we learn and grow? We have to get outside our comfort zones. If we have male or female parts, or hormones, or brains, or roles to play in this incarnation, we should make an effort to get used to them and to appreciate them. But we shouldn’t deny our spirit. We should accept everything that there is in here and stop hating ourselves. And if we want different parts, then we should be patient. We’ll probably get another chance, in another life, unless we destroy the world first.