I have multiple personalities. I think it is true for most people and not particularly unique especially among writers, though not everyone will acknowledge it. I was at a book festival once and someone was handing out leaflets for a writer’s group. I took one, and after a few minutes he tried to hand me another, saw that I had one, and stopped himself. “I’ll take another,” I joked. “For the others.” He laughed and told me who knew exactly what I was talking about.
It has it’s downsides. Sometimes it’s hard for me to get going because I’m worried that I’ll interrupt myself. Like I’m scared I won’t get to finish my thought. I don’t want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed because I can’t ever finish anything. But you know what? We need to have our hopes up. Without hope we can have no confidence and, confidence is all you need to succeed, according to Mark Twain.
The exact quote is, “all you need in this life is ignorance and confidence and success is sure.”
The point I’m trying to make, is that you try.
I like to let all of my personalities out. I admit that I think it makes me interesting to others. When I simply let myself out, just go with the flow, just write whatever comes to mind, the writing already has conflict.
You may think this is just a trick that I use, to stoke my imagination. Maybe it is, but I really believe that I have to take this seriously. If I consider them a figment of my imagination, then that marginalizes them. Even if they were, even if you believed this was all a fantasy, and you were right, I still need to believe it for it to work. I need it to be true, if I am to tap into the entire team and fulfill our potentials.
Now the way I see it, no one usurps the throne. None can rule without the other. We’re either all free or we’re all in prison. Acknowledgment is liberating.
When I was, I don’t know, 13, I wanted to be an actor so bad. I think it’s because I wanted to acknowledge the “assembly” of minds inside here. If you want to let your own out, then think of it like this. There should be no distinction made between what we are and what we pretend to be. We are all of those things.
I am not some stereotypical caricature, you know, Sybil, where all of my multiple personalities are fucked up. We’re a team. And we should be friends. Or at least co-workers.
Now, it would be disingenuous not to admit that if one has multiple personalities, then it would be unlikely that they are all the same gender. And it suggests that gender is not so black and white (neither is black and white I guess). But whatever you do, please don’t call me “they.” No offense, but it’s just a fucking pronoun. I would venture to think that even if I was majorly female, and wanted to be a female, I’d be fine being called a he. Is it because that’s what I am on the outside? Yeah. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist. But even she has to acknowledge that physically we are in man form. So call us that. It’s simpler that way. It doesn’t mean she isn’t a she. It doesn’t mean she can’t think of herself as a she.
Go ahead and get mad at me and tell me I don’t understand anything, if you want. I’m not telling anyone else what to do, or feel, or trying to suggest that anyone else is exactly like me and should feel the same way. That said, I think, and I could be wrong, that if people with gender ambiguity would just acknowledge all of the characters in their play, so to speak, that they wouldn’t be as hung up on pronouns. It’s highly symbolic, in my opinion, because they think it would be easier to think of themselves as multifaceted if they were referred to differently. But what they are called doesn’t change who they are, even if they want it to. I am a he. It’s not untrue to say that. I also may be a she, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a he.
On the other hand. The demographics within a particular person could be different than mine. Is it possible to be in a male body while every single one of your identities feels like a female? Where you don’t even have one male? I wouldn’t know, but I think it’s unlikely. Here’s why. If you believe in reincarnation, you’ll know that the theories suggest, the evidence suggests, that we have all been male and female. That could actually be where our multiple personalities come from, they could be people that we were, but even if that’s not true, even if we were distinct people then who have combined into one body now, why would the population not be diverse? You know what they say, if two people are the same, one of them is unnecessary. Perhaps we prefer one gender over the other, but I don’t think anyone would be allowed to come back the same all of the time. How would we learn and grow? We have to get outside our comfort zones. In my view, if we have male of female parts, or hormones, or brains, or roles to play in this incarnation, we should make an effort to get used to them and to appreciate them. But we shouldn’t deny the rest of us. We shouldn’t deny any of it. We should accept everything that there is about us and stop hating ourselves. And if we want different parts, then we should be patient. We’ll probably get another chance, in another life, unless we destroy the world first.
But yours are different from mine, so you have to figure yourself out.