I’m still young. Young enough that if I dropped dead people would be surprised.
These days you probably have to be in your 80s for people to think that it was your time to go. In your 70s, people would probably shake their heads and think it was a shame. 60s people wouldn’t say, “so young,” but they would say, ”too young.” And 50s, which is where I sit, would just suck. …but it happens to some at that age.
In your 90s people would celebrate your long life. In your 100s everyone would want to party like they were 20 again, but they wouldn’t be able to because even the grandchildren would be 60. You would be celebrating like you were 20 again though, in Valhalla. Eating with your enemies.
I have been obsessing about retirement lately. It’s not because I’m looking forward to it, it’s more like I hate my job, and can’t wait to start figuring out who I am again. I never finished that. It was never the career I wanted. So, I go through periods, like now, where I instinctively resist it, as if I am refusing to accept what earlier me, forced upon us. Like I was asleep when it happened. And periodically I awake and protest, which is ironic because it also depresses me and that makes me want to literally sleep.
I make good money. There are plenty of people making more than me. But it’s good enough to feel like a lot, if I lived a certain way. And that alone could motivate me, but we spend too much of it on things that are less important to me than my time. If I’m going to forsake what I really want to do for something that isn’t even going to bank time, then I end up wasting my life.
Now, I have to qualify something. I have a family. I don’t think that was a waste. What I have done for other people, like my kids, I am happy about. I do not regret anything I have ever done to help others live their lives. We should help each other and take joy in each other’s successes. When I say I am wasting my life, it is because there are certain things we, as individuals might feel like we are here to do, that fulfill us, for us. To the extent we don’t do them by the time we die, it’s a waste.
You can, after all, maybe, take it with you. You can take with you what you learned. You can’t take a couch. You can’t even take a stereo, but you might could take the music.
So, I am obsessing about retirement. I’ve been doing this a long time. Enough already. The problem is, I’m not quite there yet and I have to work in the meantime.