So, I am at the coffee shop to write even though I have not made a new year’s resolution to do so. But I have been writing. I have taken days on the weekend, and hours in the AM sometimes, to do so. I tell people I’m going to write and, if they don’t, they should, wonder what the hell I’m writing, because they never see anything. Mostly I just keep a journal, and mostly it is superficial. Even when I do post on my blog, I haven’t told but one person I know in real life that this blog exists, and I probably shouldn’t have told her, but as far as I can tell she forgot, cause I don’t think she ever visits.
But as you know, faithfull reader(s), I have not been posting much here lately. The problem is that I’ve been trying to be honest in my journals, for really the first time ever. And that has kept me from posting, because I’m scared, even in semi-anonymous blogspace, to speak honestly. I’m even scared to be honest on private google drive space because I think I might die and someone will get access to my journals, I want them to, because it would be a shame for it to have been written in vain, but I don’t want them to think that everything I, even honestly, write is true. It might be. It’s what I think. But I’m not necessarily right.
Because I will continue to believe things that aren’t true as long as I don’t work through them, by exploring them, with the written word.
For example, I am jealous of women, because I have always felt like I would rather be one. They look happier than men to me, except for the men who I don’t like because they are so damned cocky, and proud of themselves. I can’t relate to those men. I always thought I would be happier, if I were a woman. I want to change that about myself, and accept myself for who I am, but it’s not even politically correct to think that I can change.
This is what I’ve been writing about, for the first time, just to myself, experimenting with how it feels to write the words, “I am transgender.” And, ironically, having finally said these words after feeling this way almost my entire life, I have had moments where I actually feel satisfied, content as I am.
I’ve been drinking soy lattes for the phytoestrogens, to see if it makes me feel more feminine (it does, I think) and I want to lose weight, and when I do I feel more feminine, though I also look more handsome rather than pretty. I find myself happier with the way I look which I don’t consider particularly feminine.
After opening myself up to explore this innate femininity, it’s almost like I’ve found some balance, and maybe the balance is really all I ever needed. Maybe I have always wanted to be a woman because I was deficient in some way, estrogen deficient, or socially inhibited from being myself when it seemed effeminate to others, and I therefore craved what I didn’t have, the freedom to act like a girl. I felt like I had to hide, but find that when I let that go, I like myself more.
I’m old enough that I should know by now that people who are ostracized as kids don’t have to expect that from people in adulthood. Bill Gates might have been a nerd in high school, but now he’s a very rich and successful nerd. And people respect him. And the popular athlete, if that’s all he was, is probably an accountant working for a decent living, but ordinary in most respects. But childhood trauma stays with you and you still react to it emotionally even when you should know better, unless you do something to understand it.
So writing about it honestly has helped me to realize that I can now embrace what I think was effeminate, and maybe it isn’t. I can be myself and not everyone will judge me, and who does, can go fuck themselves. I can work through this by first saying that I have always wished I were a girl, until I explore it enough to figure out what I really want, to be happy with the kind of man I am.
Is it offensive to transgender people for me to think I am one and then to come around to thinking I can change that? Does the suggestion that there is a way to change, to become more “normal,” hurt people who might consequently be inclined to struggle against something that is, maybe for them, impossible? Is that as harmful as the idea of changing a gay person to straight?
The difference is, it seems to me, that a gay person can live a happy life with another gay person. That’s about who they are attracted to. They actually may be better positioned to like themselves, because they are actually attracted to their own gender and they can appreciate what makes them attractive to others. A transgender person, one who doesn’t like his or her own body, especially one who is also attracted to the opposite sex, would find it hard to understand how anyone can be attracted to “him.”
He or she isn’t just pressured by society to be normal. He or she would have to go to extreme measures to live as he or she wants whether people accept it or not. Is it any more extreme to try to change your self view than it is to change your physical gender? And if you think that one cannot change their self view, I would ask, can you really change your gender? You can think that an operation will fix things, and if you do, then go for it. I have no stake in dissuading you if you think you can believe it, and good for you, if it makes you happy, but to me, it would be impossible to become a woman. If I changed my physical appearance now, I would still have missed out on the experiences that shape other women.
I am male, the way I am American, the way I am a New Yorker, the way I am white. I might want to be something else, but I have been forged by the experiences that this reality afforded me, good and bad.
And I have also always wanted to be different, and am forged by that experience. That’s who I am. This is what I want to accept. I want to rise above the physical. I want to accept that I am a spiritual being. I might, after all, have another chance to be something different, in another life. That can wait. It doesn’t help me to be impatient about it or to wish for something I don’t have. What do I really want now, anyway, other than to be happy?